Carcass:
1 : a dead body :corpse; especially : the dressed body of a meat animal;
2 : the living, material, or physical body;
3 : the decaying or worthless remains of a structure
4 : the underlying structure or frame of something (as of a piece of furniture).
I think it's fair to say that I fall between definitions 2 and 3.
Full disclosure-- I am a woman, 57 years old, used to be quite beautiful, now not so much! I thought it might be more fun to fall apart in public. Nobody likes to laugh at me as much as I do, so let us begin.
Catalog of ills:
My knees are weak and periodically "blow out," usually one at a time. The treatment for that is you go to a knee guy who sticks a big needle in the swollen area and draws out a beaker full of disgusting yellow liquid that looks like chicken soup. Some knee guys do it well and you get instant relief. Some knees guys don't take much care and make sure the procedure itself is very painful and leaves you feeling worse before you feel better. Yes, I am talking about you Dr. Arsht! You dick!
Anyway.... the latest old-age related infirmity that is driving me crazy is my impending marionette lines. They really call them that! You can Google it. So I noticed a few months ago that the corners of my mouth had developed cracks in them which were painful and annoying. I tried to heal them with lots of lip balm. Yeah, right. They they got more annoying, especially on the right side. So I googled around and discovered cracked-mouth-corner FUNGUS. Yes, fungus, folks. How gross is that. And some joker is selling an e-book on how to get rid of cracked-mouth-corner fungus for sixty-seven frigging dollars! Can you fucking imagine!
Information wants to be free, so I googled some more and found the answer (sort of) on Cure Zone. The darling kooks on Cure Zone know everything about do-it-yourself medicine and I love them for it. I much prefer to take matters, especially embarrassing, personal matters into my own hands. And in the Cracked Mouth Corner forum, one sweetheart was kind enough to summarize the information contained in the $67 book! For realz. Are you ready?
There's a bunch of stuff about sterilizing your work area, which in my house is impossible, and then some stuff about pouring the water and dish soap into clean containers-- but this just seems like another opportunity for contamination so I skip that-- and here's what you do: you wash all around the affected area with strong liquid dishwashing soap, then thoroughly dry it, then slather Vaseline from a NEW container all over your lip corners and around in a broad radius. That's it. It works, sort of. The fungus keeps coming back. Now I think it's attacking my lips. Also, these line creases that are making me look like a sad clown, I don't know if they are because of the fungus, or if the fungus is there because of the creases. The fungus has something to do with wetness from, like drooling in your sleep, so having lines etched in your skin could fascilitate the drool, I can see that.
Anyway, this is what concerns me now. When I look in the mirror, all I can see are those damn lines which are no more than a quarter inch but damn, they are harshing my vibe!
No comments:
Post a Comment